Last week while driving back from Dallas, I got pulled over for speeding. I was on hour four of our trip and the kids were hyped up on McDonald’s, so I must have missed the 35 mph sign.
I saw the cop car pull out behind me. I prayed for the lights to not come on. Then they came on anyway and I pulled over.
“I clocked you going 50 mph in a 35. Any reason why you were going that fast?”
There’s always a reason. Not necessarily a good one.
“I thought the speed limit was still 50. I’m sorry.”
“Do you work?”
“Are you unemployed or just a housewife?”
And there it was, my worst fear. To be a just. Just implies not important. Just implies I have nothing to contribute.
“Just a housewife.” I mumbled.
I drove away with my speeding ticket and bruised pride. I beat myself up over not being able to pay attention to the task at hand. It’s why I am constantly running into things when I park. But more so, I beat myself up over not being…more.
Tonight the answer came to me through a children’s book. I was tucking Hudson in and I was reading him “The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore”. Mr. Morris Lessmore is a writer and lover of books. One day his world is torn apart by a storm and he finds himself in a library filled with living books. He becomes their caretaker and sometimes loans out books to the townspeople. He loans out some well-known stories and some not well known because “Everyone’s story matters.”
Even mine. It may not matter to a whole lot of people, but it matters a lot to two very important people. To them, I am just enough. I am just the person who knows that at bedtime, track 2 is the only acceptable track on the Mozart Bedtime CD and it must be repeated. I am just the person who knows how to cut a sandwich to the right sized pieces. I am just the person to tuck them in the right way at night. I am just the person who knows how to talk to them when they're scared, when they're hurt, when they're frustrated.
Maybe to some people this is just sad. That’s ok. I don’t answer to those people. I answer to myself and two very important people who think that what I do matters. So maybe one day I will do more, but right now this is just enough.