Photo Friday: The one with the goat

A goat smiling in its sleep is a most excellent sight. We spotted this one at Fossil Rim, a drive-through animal park. There's a little petting zoo in the middle of the drive. I thought about not taking my camera, but I'm glad I did. The lesson here is that if you don't bring your camera, you might lose a chance to anthromorphize a goat (don't worry, no animals were harmed in the capturing of this image, that's just attributing human behavior to something that's not human). Hope your Friday's as a happy as this goat.

Deliverance Comes to Walmart

If you’ve ever thought to yourself “I just can’t get enough of Deliverance and would really like to experience in my own life” should consider going to a Walmart in rural Oklahoma around midnight on a Saturday night.

This weekend Eric and I took the kids and went to my parent’s house.  Saturday night my dad watched the kids so we could run to Walmart for some Mother’s Day cards and because I saw Twizzlers on TV and I really, really needed some Twizzlers.

We pulled up to the Choctaw Walmart and knew we were in for an exciting trip when the first words out of Eric’s mouth were “Is that a midget?”  And yes, it was.  To be precise and politically correct, it was a little person drinking a gigantic can of Monster with about 5 other guys who just happened to be hanging out in front of Wal-mart also consuming large quantities of energy drink.

It only got better inside.  Not to be disappointed, about 10 feet into the store we saw our first mullet.  This was just the first of many.  It was like a wildlife refuge of mullets.  It even housed the rare bleached-on-top-and-down-the-waterfall-yet –dark-on-the-sides fem-mullet.  I heard that this breed was going into extinction but was nursed back to health by the emergence of crocs and acid washed denim.

While walking down the candy aisle (I told you I really needed Twizzlers) I jumped when I heard someone yell “DID YOU ASK YOUR MEXICAN DADDY IF YOU COULD HAVE THAT?  WHY DIDN’T YOU ASK YOUR MEXICAN DADDY?”  The “Mexican daddy” was a rather large Hispanic man who was in Walmart with his rather large wife and was talking to his scrawny friend.  They were pushing around a shopping cart full of chips, soda, and two children.

Then there was this…

24 oz cans of Mountain Dew.  The Champagne of rednecks.  I’m sure glad they had it in diet.

We went to check out and they only had one lane open.  This gave us plenty of time to truly appreciate this Walmart experience.  Oh, and we did.  The “Mexican daddy” and his family were behind us.  When their newborn child started crying, the baby was told by her father “We didn’t bring your baby juice.”  I only pray they were referring to milk and not Mountain Dew.  We also saw a cop walk in that was maybe an inch or two taller than me (meaning he was pretty damn short).  A part of me hoped for a brawl between him and the little person hyped up on the giant can on Monster.  That didn’t happen.

But this did.

That is three horses in front of Walmart.  Because what else would you expect to find in front of Walmart in the middle of the night?

Bullhorns and Bike Locks

Since I became a co-leader of the Oklahoma chapter of Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America I have been amazed by some of the strong women I have met.

Last week I went to a town hall meeting hosted by Congressman Lankford.  While I was there I met a lady named Nancy, a 79-year old grandmother, that chained herself to an earth mover at the Keystone pipeline construction site.  With a bike lock.  Around her neck.

“Really?!” I said.

“Well, I was one of 6 people.”

“That’s amazing!”

“Well, it wasn’t hard.”  Because it was the dexterity required to place a bike lock around your neck that was impressive.

Then I met Jean at a Stroller Jam in front of Senator Inhofe’s office.  A Stroller Jam is an event where moms show up with their strollers and children to ask that their legislators work for gun reform.  When security came out to ask us to leave

Jean said, “This ain’t nothing.  I’ve been to jail.”

“You’ve been to jail?! For what?”

“Protesting the death penalty.  It wasn’t a big deal.  It was only for 6 hours.  Nancy...Nancy went to jail for 24 hours.”

So this weekend we held a Mother's Day Walk in honor of the victims of gun violence and their families.  We carried eight paper flowers to represent the eight children shot and killed every day in this country.  I am terrified of public speaking so naturally I volunteered to speak.  This in itself was scary enough.  Then I was handed a bullhorn.  Then I started shaking uncontrollably and really felt pretty lame.  These women had chained themselves to things and went to jail, yet I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking over speaking in a park on a beautiful Saturday afternoon surrounded by supportive women.  But I did it.  I stepped up on a rock and I talked.  Our speakers told their heart wrenching stories about losing their son/grandson to gun violence.  It was emotional and there were tears and it reconfirmed why I’m doing all this.

Everyday I am amazed at these women.  I hope that I some of their strength will rub off on me, but in the mean time I will think of this quote that one of my new activist momma friends shared with me: Speak the truth even if your voice shakes. That I can do.  I'm not sure I'm ready for a bike lock though.

Bananas Don’t Belong in Hair

Just because it’s on Pinterest does not mean it’s a good idea.  Like putting food in your hair.  That’s a terrible fucking idea.  Let me explain how I know this.

I've been feeling like my hair has been less than lustrous.  I called for a hair appointment, but could not get in until Friday.  I remembered that I saw something on Pinterest about hair masks using items found in your kitchen.  The avocado mask was supposed to be good for normal hair so I went with that one.  That is until I cut into the one avocado I had and found it was rotten.  I did not let one rotten avocado deter me though.  Oh no.  I was putting food in my hair.

I kept scrolling and found one for dry hair involving banana and honey.  Jackpot!  I mashed up some banana with honey and rubbed it all in my hair.  The directions said to cover with a shower cap and let it sit for 15 minutes.  I came out of the bathroom wearing workout clothes and a shower cap.  My son gave me a funny look but I think he has grown used to his mother being weird so he didn't say anything.

Fifteen minutes later I stepped in the shower and saw my plan fall apart.  There is not enough shampoo in the world to wash out that kind of sticky goop.  The directions had said to comb your hair in the shower, but really…who follows directions?  I have fingers and they will work just fine thank you very much.  Except they didn’t.  After a couple of rinse, lather, repeats I gave up and went for the conditioner.  Maybe conditioner would break up the banana-honey concoction gumming up my hair.  Nope.  Sure didn't.

Finally, I decided I had had enough and I really had to get to the grocery store.  Maybe some argan oil would help this disaster I created?  It didn't   And here’s the thing, when they said that if you don’t comb your hair out you may have banana chunks in your hair, they weren't kidding.  What they didn't warn me about is what happens when you apply a straight iron to said banana chunks.  I will tell you that now.  It smokes.  It smokes and it smells like Elvis is fixing his signature sandwich on your scalp.

I really had to get to the grocery store and my plan was now reduced to just hang out in the produce section next to the bananas so the smell of my hair blends in.  So if you do see me hanging out in the produce section, come by and say hi.  I've got some lovely samples of toasted banana with honey for you to try.  I hope you don’t mind a little hair in your food.

Things you should not put in your hair.

Photo Friday: The Mother's Day one where Ann needs a hairbrush

My hair almost always ends up looking like this when we go on at trip (this installment of vacation hair was at Dolmabahçe Palace in Istanbul). I hope my daughter has lots of vacation hair in her future.
I wanted to write something about Mother's Day but find myself not quite able to pull it together - sort of like my hair. For some of us, it's a day with a tinge of loss or longing or weirdness. For others, it's joyful. So I thought I'd put together a few interesting things I've read this week.

1. Anne Lamott's Facebook page pointed me toward this story she wrote about why she doesn't like Mother's Day/http://www.salon.com/2010/05/08/hate_mothers_day_anne_lamott/. I love this part: "The main thing that ever helped mothers was other people mothering them; a chain of mothering that keeps the whole shebang afloat."

2. My friend and colleague Nancy wrote this about the five things moms want most for Mother's Day. (I did tell her that it's obvious that her boys aren't babies, since she didn't mention sleep even once - come to think of it, I don't think there's any kind of mention of bodily fluids in there, either.) My favorite part is her mom's "Nancy Compliments" folder.   http://dallaslifeblog.dallasnews.com/2013/05/five-things-moms-want-most-for-mothers-day-p-s-they-dont-come-in-a-box.html/

3. Baby Sideburns shared this http://www.chicagonow.com/baby-sideburns/2013/05/ten-things-i-want-for-mothers-day/, which is a wish list very much geared toward those with little kids (sleep, bodily fluids, profanity).

4. My friend Austina pointed me to this blog post, titled "An open letter to pastors: A non-mom speaks about Mother's Day." Lovely thoughts. http://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/

5. This has remarkably little (er, OK, nothing) to do with Mother's Day, but I went a whole week thinking that there was no hairdryer where we were staying on our Istanbul trip. My husband found a hairdryer in a drawer right before we left.

Dining With Toddlers

This post is for anyone that has ever considered taking their toddler out to dinner.  Here’s some advice.  Do not take your toddler out to dinner.  Do not go out to dinner with other people with toddlers.  Do not make eye-contact with toddlers in the restaurant.  Let me walk you through what happens if you decide to follow through with such a foolish plan.

Your child, who may have been calm on the way to the restaurant, will suddenly decide when pulling into the parking lot that it is time lose their damn mind.  The parking lot is a cue to party like it’s 8:30pm on a Friday night.  Cue the yelling, cue the running through the parking lot, cue attempts to remove clothing.  Because every toddler knows that shoes and socks make for a less pleasant dining experience.

When it is time to order you will not make the right choice.  Trust me on this.  Order one meal for your two children because they never finish one?  They will act like they’re starving and make you look like a horrible parent trying to save a buck.  Order two meals because last time they acted like they were starving and made you look like a cheapskate?  They will decide to go on hunger strike.  Your toddler will decide her rice looks better on her chair and on the floor.

Side note--your toddler at this point may act like she has had a change of heart and will offer to help clean up.  Do not let your toddler help you clean up.  Their idea of helping is to nearly knock down a piece of pottery and then exclaim “tada!” like you should be impressed that they didn’t knock down something large and breakable.

You will then try cute attempts to get your toddler to eat.  Things like “can you make that quesadilla go in your belly?”  You will then spend the next 5 minutes removing quesadilla parts from your toddler’s belly button.

You may think that I’m over-reacting when I say you should just wait until your kids are 18 to take them out to dinner.  Maybe you’re right.  But if you’re wrong and decide to try it anyway, have fun removing your meal of choice from your toddler’s belly button.

Not Cool Dora

Kenzie, are you in here AAAAHHHHH!

Damn Dora, you scared the shit out of me!  Seriously, what the f$%&?  No, hi?  Not even a hola? Really Dora, it's creepy.  When someone walks in room you should really announce yourself.

You're really not going to say anything?  Really.  You're just going to sit in the corner being creepy?

Are you mad or something? Oh, I get it.  Is this because I wouldn't go to the Nighttime Forest with you?  Look.  I'm sorry, but your friends are assholes.  Last time your friends came over Swiper stole a $20 out of my purse and Boots took a dump on the carpet.  I just don't want to be around that kind of nonsense.

Listen, if you're just going to sit in the corner of my daughter's room and give me the cold shoulder you're going to have to find a new place to live.  I think you need to "ask the map" to find you a new place to crash.  You're giving me the creeps. And by the way, Dora...it's 2013...people ask their iPhones for directions.